It's natural to worry when you suspect you're the subject of gossip.
Imagine walking into a room and everyone suddenly falls silent. You can just sense that something is off. At times like this, your mind can go into overdrive and it’s easy to jump to the wrong conclusion. In this case, you might conclude that they’ve all been talking about you.
Paranoia is an unsettling sensation, especially if it’s not clear whether your instincts are right. When people respond to these concerns by insisting you’re just being paranoid, you can end up feeling even more confused. There are, however, helpful ways to approach those moments when it feels like all eyes are on you.
I am in charge of how I feel and today I choose happiness. I trust in myself and the decisions I make. I love who I am. I love who I have become. I shall stay patient and trust my journey. I am strong, I am able, I am calm.
Are you imagining things?
If you think everybody’s talking about you, often the trickiest bit is trying to find out the truth from others. Any attempt at confronting the issue typically leads to a dismissal such as: ‘It’s all in your head.’ Feelings of wariness and insecurity can escalate in certain situations, such as when you meet people for the first time in a new environment or when friendship groups begin to shift.
It can be hard not to get caught up in your suspicions, but school counsellor Balbir Bansi has some tips to stop things spiralling: ‘Automatic thoughts pop into our heads uninvited. Often these thoughts lead us to assume things like “Everyone is talking about me behind my back”.’
Balbir argues that giving these unhelpful thinking patterns attention lets them grow in your mind, making it harder to focus on what’s actually happening. ‘It can be useful to challenge these thoughts and ask yourself “Is there any evidence for what I think is happening?”,’ she says. ‘Usually this is enough to stop you assuming the worst.
Understanding and managing your feelings
Whether we like it or not, gossip can be common, so you’re not alone if you worry about being the subject of rumours. The need for acceptance has been hardwired into human beings since prehistoric times. When others claim your doubts are utterly unfounded, it sometimes seems as though they’re trivialising your fears. Even if – on reflection – you can accept that some of your pre-existing anxieties play a part, it’s still important to acknowledge these emotions.
Taking a gentle approach with yourself is the way to go, as Balbir believes these feelings come from painful previous experience: ‘There may have been a time when you felt insecure or actually were being gossiped about, so your mind goes into self-protection mode.’ When this happens, it’s important to stay in the moment. ‘Remind yourself that each situation is different,’ she says. ‘The one you’re in right now may not play out exactly like those in the past.’
How to have a conversation about rumours?
If you feel sure you are being gossiped about, it’s natural to be anxious but you can take steps to change things. Talking things through is one way of easing these worries. If it feels comfortable –and you’re totally certain it’s safe to do so – have a one-to-one conversation with the person you think might be behind the rumours.
Rather than accusing someone you want to engage with, try to use statements that start with phrases such as ‘I feel like… when…’. This helps the other person understand where you’re coming from, allows for the possibility you might be wrong, and could prevent them getting defensive.
Alternatively, if you’re not quite ready for that, share how you feel with a trusted adult instead. A teacher or parent may be able to help you handle the situation. Either way, voicing your misgivings and getting everything out in the open often relieves some of the uneasiness. But what if you don’t get the answers you need or the unnerving thoughts still won’t go away?
How to overcome rumours with self-compassion
Balbir reckons the more energy you spend dwelling on intrusive thoughts, the more easily they can end up becoming your reality. Yet she also thinks that writing exercises, such as journalling, are a good method for getting these ideas out of your head.
‘In the same way you’d write a to-do list when there are too many things to organise, writing down your feelings helps make sense of them,’ she says. ‘Then eventually you let them go, so they don’t take up so much mental space.’ It’s never pleasant to feel as though people are talking about you behind your back, but self-compassion is a key factor in coping with such moments.
Whether it’s challenging your mind when it leaps to damaging conclusions or simply validating the painful feelings this might prompt, spend some time being kind to yourself. Remember, you’ve got what it takes to rise above the rumours.
This article was featured in issue 35 of Teen Breathe Magazine with the title: Rise above the rumours.
