You’re not alone in feeling lonely

Reaching out can help us realise that we're not alone in feeling lonely

Imagine a lonely person. What comes to mind? A fictional character, such as the Grinch from How the Grinch Stole Christmas? A hermit from a fairy tale living in a cave? Maybe it’s someone who’s moved schools and doesn’t know anyone. Or perhaps someone who’s not that popular or doesn’t have many friends. Chances are you’re picturing a person who’s quite isolated. Yet loneliness doesn’t only affect people who spend lots of time by themselves.

It can be experienced by absolutely anyone, at any age, and in any situation. People with happy families and plenty of friends can feel lonely at times. So can those who seem outgoing and confident, at least on the surface. Additionally, research shows that those most likely to experience loneliness tend to be in their teens and early 20s.

Not alone

So what exactly is loneliness, and why is it a problem? In simple terms, loneliness is an unfulfilled desire for contact and connection with others. But, of course, you can still experience it when surrounded by loads of people if you don’t feel connected to any of them.

Feeling this way every now and then is entirely normal. And it’s perfectly possible to be alone without being lonely. In fact, solitude offers many benefits, such as the chance to recharge and relax.

However, ordinary feelings tend to become a problem when they’re so intense – or happen so often – that they impact mental health and confidence on a daily basis. Loneliness is complex and affects everyone differently, but signs you might be lonely include feeling:

• As though no one understands you, cares about you, or shares your interests
• That you don’t have any friends you can rely on
• Empty, sad, or hopeless
• That you don’t belong
• Anxious, restless, or lethargic
• Withdrawn or disconnected from the world around you.

Problem shared

Although there’s no single cause or sign, one common feature of loneliness is a reluctance to talk about it. Research suggests that nearly 75 percent of people who experience loneliness don’t tell others what they’re going through. This, of course, makes them feel even more isolated. It’s important to share these feelings with others if you can, though. Doing so could build a sense of connection, which will make you feel less alone, and also help everyone understand that loneliness can happen to anyone. This, in turn, will make it seem more normal. People are more likely to speak out if they know that there’s no shame whatsoever in feeling this way.

That said, starting those conversations can seem a bit scary. Recognising that loneliness is a familiar feeling for many can give you the courage to reach out to others. It’s useful to remember that since the pandemic many people have reported feeling more lonely than they did before.

Breaking the silence

Why might it feel so hard to talk about loneliness? Sometimes people believe their loneliness sets them apart from others in a negative way, distancing them even further. It’s possible that being lonely makes people worry there’s something wrong with them – that they’re unlikeable somehow. This can make them feel like they’re failing or falling short of how a person ‘should’ be.

Some people may worry that it would reflect negatively on them if they opened up about it, or that people might look at them differently. But sharing these feelings with a close friend or family member can make you feel more in control of the situation.

Ashley de Silva, CEO of ReachOut, an online support platform for young people, says that in the last few years more and more people have reported feelings of loneliness on their forums and other services. While Ashley says that loneliness can exacerbate mental health difficulties, ‘it’s encouraging to see so many young people and parents engaging with support right now.’

One thing that could help with encouraging people to reach out is using more positive or neutral language when talking about loneliness, to reduce some of the stigma surrounding it. So, instead of saying ‘suffering’ from loneliness, we can say ‘experiencing’ loneliness. And instead of ‘admitting’ to feeling lonely, try ‘telling someone’ about feeling lonely.

We can also consider using phrases such as ‘I feel lonely’ – rather than ‘I am lonely’ – because they acknowledge that loneliness is something you’re feeling now, but it’s not necessarily permanent. If you’re not comfortable saying you feel lonely, another idea might be:

I feel like I’m not connecting enough with other people, even though I’d like to.

It’s good to talk

What if you suspect someone you know might be struggling with loneliness but aren’t sure whether it’s a good idea to ask them directly?
You could broach it another way, maybe by opening the conversation with something like ‘Do you think you’d benefit from seeing more people?’ If they think they would, then perhaps you could mention some activities they could take part in to meet people – whether a book club, a sports team, or some volunteering.

One connection could be all it takes to lift that lonesome feeling. Because one thing is certain – if you’re feeling lonely, you’re not the only one. ‘We want young people to know that it’s important to continue to seek out connection,’ says Ashley. ‘You can come to ReachOut any time of the day or night. This is a supportive and anonymous space where you can hear from young people who care about what’s happening for you, because they’ve been there too.’

Be your own best friend

Keeping a journal can help to combat feelings of loneliness. Writing down your thoughts and emotions creates a sense of companionship within yourself.

What to do if you’re feeling lonely

• Make an effort to mix with those around you – even a brief chat with a neighbour your family knows can lift your spirits.
• When you’re alone, use the time to exercise or enjoy nature and animals, all of which are known to improve mood.
• Do something kind for someone else. This releases feel-good hormones that enhance a sense of connection.
• Try not to spend too much time on social media, as this has been shown to make people feel lonelier.
• Share your feelings with people you trust. A teacher might be able to point you in the right direction or suggest some local youth groups and places to volunteer.
• Visit reachout.com for more information, tools, and support.