How do you feel about striking up a conversation?
It’s called small talk, but it can seem like a big task to start a chat with someone you don’t know well. The skill of talking to new people comes naturally to some, but many others find it awkward. The good news is that the art of making conversation is something anyone can learn – or re-learn. Let’s talk through a few polite and simple cues to help you feel comfortable in starting a conversation and some tips to keep it flowing.
Make connections
Mingling is a crucial first step in getting to know others and gaining confidence in social scenarios. Finding common ground with the person you’re trying to engage with can be a
fun way of connecting. If you don’t know where to start, note the setting you’re in and use it to introduce a topic you can both relate to. If you’re joining a new club, try beginning by talking about how much you love the sport or activity you’re about to take part in.
Ask the right questions
Taking a friendly interest in others by asking a few questions lets people know you’d like to get to know them better. See the panel overleaf for some good conversation-starters. Try to add your own opinions and thoughts, too, so it doesn’t begin to feel like an interview.
Assume the best
In social situations it can be easy to focus on yourself and imagine that others are judging your every action. This is rarely the case, so try to be present and stay curious about those around you.
It’s natural to feel self-conscious, but realising everyone’s in the same boat can help form a bond with people – some of whom might be just as unsure as you.
Open up a little
Now you know people are likely feeling the same way, opening up to someone could make you both feel more at ease. Sharing a small vulnerability, such as admitting you don’t know anyone, may encourage them to relax in return.
Stick to current affairs
Finding a subject that everyone can comment on is a nice way to ignite conversation. Certain controversial topics (such as politics) are often best avoided because they can make people feel
uncomfortable. But it’s fine to mention other aspects of public life that you may have come across in the media. Try bringing up something interesting you read in the news or a significant event that happened at school. Is there a Netflix series that everyone’s talking about? If so, that’s a sure-fire way to get the conversation going.
Keep smiling
Body language is an important factor in how approachable you seem to others. Eye contact and smiling tend to make people instantly more likely to engage with you. If it feels appropriate, crack a gentle joke to inject a sense of fun into the conversation.
Breathe deeply
It’s not unusual for nervousness to take over when you’re in an unfamiliar social setting, but fortunately there are many ways to keep this feeling at bay. If you experience physical symptoms like an increased heart rate or your muscles start tensing up, something as simple as taking a slow breath can be soothing. Find a quiet moment to inhale deeply, letting your stomach rise, and then exhale slowly by pushing out every bit of air you can.
Reassure yourself
It might help to practise mindfulness, which is all about being present in everything you do. The brain sometimes overwhelms you with worries in a stressful situation, but being mindful means reassuring yourself they aren’t necessarily true. The trick is to notice these unhelpful thoughts without letting them bring you down.
It’s natural to feel self-conscious, but realising everyone’s in the same boat can help form a bond with people.
Finally, remember that you’re in control
These tips will hopefully make you more optimistic about chatting to someone new, but small talk might still feel slightly scary at times. If you find you’re not enjoying your dialogue or it’s becoming tiring, remember that you’re in charge of how much you socialise. You shouldn’t have to stay in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, so it’s fine to step back. People are unlikely to judge you if you politely excuse yourself and head elsewhere.
Challenging yourself to move beyond your comfort zone can have many benefits, including bringing new friendships into your life. But it’s best to go at your own pace and take breaks when you need to. Keep in mind that being kind to yourself will remove some of the pressure, making all parties more relaxed – and small talk a lot more enjoyable.
Leading questions
If you find yourself stuck for words, these easy-going queries should get the conversation flowing:
- What’s your favourite subject at school?
- I like your shoes/clothes – where did you get them?
- Have you been here before?
- Do you know anyone else here?
- How do you know the host? (This is a good one if you’re at a party.)
- Have you been up to much this weekend?
- Have you seen any good movies recently?
