It's easy to pass blame when things go wrong, but taking a more balanced and reflective view can help you move on, learn and grow.
Everybody makes mistakes – and this is no bad thing, because they help you to learn and grow. Say, for example, that you were confused about the method for long division in a test and answered the question incorrectly. Perhaps you’d feel annoyed with yourself, but the next time a long-division question came up, you might think: ‘Aha! This is what caught me out before. I know how to tackle it now.’
DIFFERENT WAYS OF THINKING
There is, however, a difference between reflection and rumination when it comes to thinking about mistakes. Reflecting on mistakes helps you consider where things didn’t go so well and how you might be able to do better next time. It helps you differentiate between the things that were within your control in that situation and the things that simply couldn’t be helped. It also helps
you figure out what you could do differently in similar circumstances, and what you can simply let go. Rumination, on the other hand, is a circular way of thinking that replays itself endlessly in your head. You pick at every detail. And because you can’t resolve it, you start to feel as though you have no power. It can lead to a downward spiral into negative thoughts, whether towards yourself, the situation, or another person.
REFLECTIVE VIEW
To illustrate the difference, imagine that you got home later than you should have. Now you’re grounded – and that means you’re going to miss out on a trip to the beach with friends this weekend. Of course, this is disappointing and it’s reasonable to feel upset. However, somebody taking a reflective view of the situation might think: ‘I knew I was supposed to be home by 5:00 pm, and I didn’t keep an eye on the time. I’ll apologise to Mum and Dad and promise to be more mindful of the rules next time I go out. It’s a shame about this weekend, but there will be plenty of other times when I can go to the beach with my friends.’
BLAME GAME
Somebody taking a more ruminative approach, on the other hand, might think something like this: ‘It’s so unfair! Everyone has a later curfew than I do. Why should I have to come home at 5:00 pm? Now I’ll be the only person who’s not there this weekend. Everyone will have so much fun without me, and I’ll feel totally left out when they talk about it at school on Monday!’ As you’ll notice, reflecting on a situation is far more positive than ruminating on it.
POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE OUTCOMES
When you reflect, you tend to consider where things went wrong, how much of it was your fault and how a similar situation could work out better next time. By ruminating, however, it’s easy to get wrapped up in blame, with one negative thought leading to another. And, while reflecting on a situation helps you see the extent to which you were at fault, ruminating can lead you to find
fault in yourself or others excessively. Thinking ‘I’m so stupid!’ or ‘It’s their fault!’ and ‘It’s not fair!’ can overshadow any desire for a more positive outcome in the future. It is, of course, normal to look at mistakes critically – and again, this is a large part of how humans learn. The danger is when the criticism becomes overly harsh and helpless, rather than a stepping
stone to doing something differently. Looking at mistakes through a negative filter is unproductive.
THOUGHT CHECK
Keeping these thought processes in check can be difficult. It’s normal to experience the occasional spiral of negativity, and it can be hard to pull yourself free from its grasp. Sometimes, you might not even recognise that it’s happening. One way of tackling this often presents itself after the event – and that’s the opportunity to reflect on your rumination. Consider what might have triggered it, whether you recognise it as a regular pattern of thought, and the extent to which your feelings were justified on that occasion. You might also think about how the rumination made you feel. Armed with this knowledge, you can prepare for the next time things don’t go as well as you’d hoped. You can also put in place some strategies (see panel, right) to help minimise unhelpful, ruminative thoughts.
5 WAYS TO AVOID RUMINATION
- DO SOMETHING THAT YOU ENJOY to take your focus away from the problem – happy distractions can help beat negative thoughts.
- GET ACTIVE, go for a walk, play a sport, or practise yoga. It will help distract you and give you a boost of those feel-good hormones, endorphins.
- MAKE A LIST of your good qualities and remind yourself that you deserve kindness – from yourself, as well as others.
- ASK YOURSELF: ‘What would I say to a friend in this situation?’
- SET YOURSELF ACHIEVABLE GOALS, whether in the context of the situation you have been thinking about, or a different one. This will help you to feel more in control and hopeful.
Words by: Sarah Rodrigues
This story was originally published in Teen Breathe Issue 32 (page 33) with the title: Mirror, mirror
