Do you find yourself telling white lies? Here’s how to stop…
‘What seems a small or white lie to one person can be perceived as a deliberate attempt to mislead or betray by someone else’
It’s not easy to tell the whole truth all of the time. There are occasions when you might feel the need to lie because you don’t want to disappoint or upset someone you care about. Think of when a friend’s shopping for clothes. If they ask your opinion about, say, a hideous jacket that they really love, telling the truth – that you think it doesn’t suit them – could be hurtful. Sometimes it seems easier to lie and say: ‘Yeah, you look great.’ But while such small or ‘white’ lies might seem kind, they can affect other people’s trust in you. So instead of potentially betraying their trust, other options include: ‘I’m not sure’ or ‘I think the sleeves are a bit short’. If your friend had already decided she loved the jacket, then good for her. And you would feel happier that you hadn’t lied.
Telling white lies
You can also find yourself telling white lies in an attempt to fit in with others. Most people exaggerate now and again to impress people, whether it’s about how fantastic their weekend was or how many friends they have. They might also be tempted to lie to cover their tracks. So, for example, if a teacher asks a student why they’re late handing in homework, they might respond: ‘My laptop is broken’ rather than ‘I was watching YouTube videos’. Similarly, if they’re called to explain why they’re late back from a friend’s house, they might say: ‘The train was delayed’ instead of ‘We were having fun and I lost track of time’.
The risk of a bad reputation
But getting known for telling lies, even if they’re only small ones, can land you in trouble and ruin close relationships. There’s a saying that if you tell one lie, you end up telling a thousand and that’s because you have to keep covering up the first lie every time someone questions you. It takes a huge amount of effort to remember what you’ve said and you can start believing your own lies and lose sight of the truth. People will eventually discover your lies and, once you’re found out, they’ll be less likely to believe what you say in future.
You could break the trust
In all relationships, whether it’s with family, close friends or schoolmates, it’s important to know how to build up trust. What seems a small or white lie to one person can be perceived as a deliberate attempt to mislead or betray by someone else. Telling your best friend you stayed in last night when you met another friend might seem harmless enough. But if your best friend hears about it from someone else, they’ll probably feel upset that you weren’t honest with them and question your friendship. Also, by not owning up about something you’ve done, it might mean that someone else gets the blame.
Don’t be afraid to speak up
Telling tales, especially if it’s to get someone else into trouble, is often seen as a betrayal, especially among groups of friends. But that’s not the same as holding back information that could prevent someone being hurt. If you think a friend is in trouble, voice your worries to a trusted adult. Ask them to keep your name out of it if you’re worried about your friend being annoyed with you if they find out. Staying silent doesn’t count as lying, but it’s often better to speak up early – before a situation gets out of hand.
Break your habit of lying
There are ways to explain yourself and your actions honestly, without lying or undermining your own truth. Lying can turn into a habit and so the first step is to break the cycle. People often tell lies because they don’t like awkward situations or want to avoid a confrontation. But as British poet John Lydgate, who lived in the Middle Ages, said: ‘You can please some of the people some of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.’ In other words, you have to risk hurting other people’s feelings now and again so that you can stay truthful.
Visualise telling the truth
It is possible to be honest without causing offence to others or landing yourself in trouble. Try to identify the situations, emotions, places or people that tend to cause you to avoid telling the truth. It might be that you lie when you’re anxious about doing well at school or you lie to particular people who you may feel a little scared of. Once you recognise what ‘triggers’ your lies, you can either avoid the trigger or find a way to face it with honesty. Try to visualise the situation and the possible outcomes. Take a deep breath, choose your words carefully and feel confident in the fact that you are being truthful. It can take getting used to, but people will respect you for your honesty in the long run.
