Clean Your Mess

No man, woman, or child is an island and no one cleans alone. 

Your mess affects me because I am involved in this family and the household.

Any person’s neglect diminishes my peace because I am involved in my community and my world.

I have been lost of late in the subject of the flight, fight, or freeze responses to stress. I see the theme repeated in my books, television shows, and conversations with loved ones. How do we act-or not act? What are the consequences of inaction? I have dozens of pages of notes that serve no purpose other than to support my love of multi-colored pens and to utilize my often fragmented bursts of independent time. It has been been loads of fun but my new computer arrived at last and I am not ready to “do” anything “productive” with it yet. Maybe soon. Maybe never. 

Instead, let me share with you the theme of my week: “Clean your own mess.”

I cannot  begin to tell you how many times this one declarative (okay, occasionally exclamatory) sentence has reverberated off the walls of my house this week. I am thinking of making the  six year old write it a hundred times just so she can suffer as much as I feel I have suffered from it on her behalf. 

The girl has sprawl problems.

I get it. 

Really, I do.

She is not the only one. 

Her brother has sprawl problems. 

Her father has sprawl problems.

Her mother…hypocrisy, check.

Still, I had to learn the consequences of my sprawl and to be accountable for corralling it. When I do not put it away correctly then the remote control ends up inside my purse and my phone is on the side table (Yup. Yesterday). 

With the kiddo I could always declutter his sprawl when it became too much and I taught him to clean his messes by first boxing up his messes to see what he truly missed and valued.  It was work, but his bouncy little brain forgets he owns something if it is not in front of his face most days and now only the important takes up permanent residence on his shelves. His room stays mostly clean. My girl, however, clings to every memento and the memory attached to it. She remembers the time some boy threw a ball and it accidentally hit her in the face and the time the doctor lied to her three years ago and said it wouldn’t hurt. “But it did Mama. He is the Liar Doctor.”

She crafts. I need to say no more, right? Do you HAVE a crafter in your life? Wow. Art projects. Drawings. Paintings. Designing Barbie clothes. Designing clothes for herself. She plays with EVERY SINGLE TOY, often at once, in these elaborate, operatic dramas that span days and migrate to every corner of her room, her brother’s room, and my living room. It is fascinating and overwhelming. She is a wild, creative force of nature where her brother is a distracted, absent-minded professor. They leave their plates on the table and don’t see a mess until they cannot find the one thing they need in that moment or room cleaning Friday comes around and they bemoan the mess they have made.

“Clean your mess and this won’t happen.”

…Maybe I should record myself saying it and press repeat.

I could  keep everything spotless for them and take care of every chore but I am not raising entitled princes or princesses. I am raising capable humans.  I make both kids clean their own messes and share responsibility in common areas. I clean my own messes. Every person contributes to every room and every project because we are all invested in the functioning of the family. 

No man, woman, or child is an island and no one cleans alone. 

Your mess affects me because I am involved in this family and the household.

Any person’s neglect diminishes my peace because I am involved in my community and my world.

Thank you John Donne for the poetic reference! (MEDITATION XVII, John Donne).

Being accountable means being responsible for your belongings, your actions, and your responses inside the house and outside in this world. The world needs people who know how to care and how to act so I will lead my children and work beside them toward capability. If I don’t know then I will show them to keep learning until I do. If I stumble, I will show them how to stand and try again with a good attitude or how to apologize graciously and sincerely; how to seek help.  If my example teaches them to react poorly when frustrated or to expect others to always accommodate me, then everyone who has to deal with their lack of self-control or consideration once they leave my walls will suffer for it. 

If I raise my children without accountability then I am nurturing entitlement and a myopic worldview that will hurt them and those they interact with in the wider world. So, as I love them, I cannot allow them to wallow in privilege and irresponsibility. Food does not magically appear and the table is not miraculously cleared three to five times a day. It is created and cleaned by the actions of someone so it has value as that person has value and deserves respect. Let’s learn how to make it and clean it so you know that value. If you have the energy to step over something then you have the energy to pick it up. If you wreck your bedroom, clean it up. Leave the room right for the next person. 

Make the lives of the people you care for easier rather than harder. 

“Clean your mess.”

Consequences bolster accountability. If I speed and am pulled over then the there is a clear correlation between my action and my consequence. This is no different than catering to my family’s every whim and ignoring their every offense. If the consequences I give for my children’s poor decisions or behaviors are not consistent and impactful, if they ignore my lessons, then they will have to learn consequences from a harder teacher than mom or they will walk about this world hurting others. 

In an elaborate tapestry of connections, a wayward thread can cause much damage to the whole. 

How do you hold yourself and your family accountable? Are you consistent? If asked, could you answer the following:

If you hurt your sister/brother friend, then_________________________________________.

If you don’t do your (chore)_________ then___________________________________________.    

If you are rude to an adult then______________________________________________________.

If ________________________ then___________________________________________________.

We are often engulfed in strife these days. Maybe I cannot calm another’s anger or stop another’s actions, but I am accountable for the emotions I add to the soup and my reactions to the situations I am given.  I am accountable to the little people who follow my steps. So I will raise capable humans and lead them to self-care, self-educate, and self-regulate.  And I will hope that in following ing they will participate in the protection of this world they inherit and clean up any messes they might make. 

In a way, how we respond to our most challenging moments reveals our inclination toward fight, flight, or freeze. Huh. I guess I made it about that after all.

Good parenting to us all.